Over Judgemental?

It scares me when I observe the extent to which people's reactions to others are governed by their expectations of how another person should be in any given situation.

The only way to explain this so you stand a chance of understanding me is to give an example:

Tragically, a man's wife dies in suspicious circumstances. The police strongly suspect murder and so the man is hauled in for questioning. He is knumb, his whole system completely steamrollered by a situation utterly beyond his capacity to understand. He says little or nothing during his first police interview.

Later, the policeman is heard to say that the man's attitude is highly suspicious, he is not reacting as he would expect a bereaved husband to react. He's too quiet, he's not weeping and he seems too contained.

In the policeman's eyes, the man's apparent lack of reaction is a strong indication that he has something to hide and well deserves the label of 'chief suspect'.

So policeman, who has not himself been bereaved, is making a decision about the reactions of someone who has been bereaved.

I wonder, what is he basing his judgement on?

Example 2:

A girl loses her father in an awful car collision. It emerges that her father was drunk at the time, and that this had a significant impact on the event.

Three years afterwards there are some issues at her school. She has been rude to some other kids and shown some uncharacteristic anger.

The school counsellor tells her that she can't keep using her father's death as an excuse to 'act out'.

How does he know how those circumstances should affect her? What is he basing his judgement upon? Is he influenced by the fact that her father was partly to blame for what happened?

This is all hypothetical, of course, but it is typical of situations I have observed. On one level, I am fascinated as to how we think we have the right to judge others on how they should react to extreme situations. After all, this would seem to imply a high level of narcissism.

Can anyone witnessed a sufficiently high sample of these events to be able to filled a truly representative opinion? I doubt it.

Worryingly, if, as in the first case, these opinions play into a criminal investigation, they could well lead to an injustice being done, or maybe another suspect being overlooked.

Seriously, why do we all seem to think we're such experts on this?

No answers. I'm truly baffled.

Step by step...

I guess today was a normal kind of day at church. We arrived, we sang, we listened, we prayed and then we all ate food together in what we call a fellowship meal. This happens every week and is a unique feature of our group.

It feels very right to share food with those with whom you share worship. It's great to chat with people and find out what's going on in their lives. The food itself is often amazing. Today's lemon posset was a revelation. I wish I knew how to construct one of those, it would be a great pudding to have in one's arsenal.

Soon there will be the inevitable lift home, a short stagger to the front door and a collapse onto a horizontal bed. (the vertical bed I tried was not a success)

[ short gap in narrative whilst the aforementioned lift took place ]

Now I lie on my bed, able to reflect on the morning's events. It was, by any standards, a depressing sermon today. Full of negatives and zero encouragement. I shouldn't be surprised, because negativity and lack of encouragement are a regular feature of our sermons these days. I try to let it wash over me and do as little damage as possible, but I worry for others in the congregation. I worry that they will be led into religious paranoia and fear. The Bible tells us that perfect love casts out all fear. I can only assume there must be something lacking in the love department somewhere along the line. 

Yes, it's a serious situation and something really should be said. However, how much to say, how to phrase it and who to say it to remain difficult questions to answer. Either that, or I'm just looking for a way out in the hope that someone else will rescue me before I'm forced to say something.

Some serious soul searching is required.

In the meantime I have domestic issues which need attention. Due to a lack of sick note my benefits have been stopped and I need to pay £21 to get the sick note from the doctors. However, without any money I can't afford the £21. I wonder how on earth I can solve this. I guess I have to ring up and plead with people. It won't be the first time.

As for Sunday... Now I need to relax and bury myself in something that will distract me from the pain I've incurred by going out. One thing at a time.

Step by step.

Pain

A dominating element of my life is pain. You know pain, it's like ouch! It hurts, and then it goes away. Blessed relief.

Except for me it doesn't.

My pain is associated with nerve injuries in my legs and it is constant. Not only is it constant but it persists at a high level. It's very hard to describe pain to another person, yet I know you will have experienced pain in your life - possibly very similar to my pain. Imagine feeling a knife blade cut into the back of your calves. That is my most extreme acute pain. Then imagine that bandages are applied and the cuts start to heal, leaving a painful ache as the healing process begins. That is my background pain.

At any time there can be pain attacks, with fresh bursts of the acute pain for several minutes, then back to background pain for a while before another acute burst.

I always imagine a line in my mind. Above the line it is impossible disguise pain or to keep from calling out. Below the line it is possible, with  careful control, to avoid any expression of pain.

I live the entirety of my life very close to the line. Actions as simple as getting up from a seat easily take me beyond the line, much to my frustration. No one wants a man for no apparent reason to suddenly cry out. Least of all the man himself.

So there it is. Pain. Not the worst pain in the world, but certainly the most persistent. A constant companion, adding flavour to every moment of every day. Worst of all, inescapable.

Now you know a little about my daily challenge to beat the pain. Doubtless I will come back to this subject in the days, weeks and months to come. That said, I shall endeavour not to harp on about it. No one likes a pain bore.

As my American friends say: It is what it is.

Welcome

Hello, and welcome to my latest attempt at a blog.

A few years ago I found it easy to blog, indeed it was an urge I found it impossible to resist. For various reasons recently blogging has not been something that comes easily to me at all. Maybe, as this blog expands, and if you can be bothered to keep reading it, the reasons surrounding this may become clear.

I've wanted for the longest time to write a blog that was completely honest and open in every respect. A Blog that is not known by my close family and friends, and one that I do not publicise in any way.

My hope is that some people may happen across it while facing similar issues to me. I make a friend here or there and maybe I can offer comfort to one or two people. If you're reading this and any of it chimes with you all I ask is that you let me know in the comments or via email.

My guess is that the postings will not be regular, but hopefully enough will amass to create a body of work worthy of reading at a session or maybe over a few days. Expect a slow burn.

There will be opinions, experiences, struggles and the occasional triumph. You know, life.

Please do stick around here, I'm very happy to have you reading my blog.